Campus lore says that Traveler the horse is the sole supernatural resident of Washington and Lee University. However, numerous presidents of the university have had pets, and like Traveler, they too have been trapped in the void between this world and the next. Bound to our campus for all eternity, they have been rendered voiceless next to the monolithic Traveler; until now. A reporter for The Radish was finally able to speak briefly with a few of them—through an intricate process involving 11 beers—and their statements on their afterlives, Traveler, and each other are included below.
Tony, President Davis’s big fat orange cat, was hit by a horse-drawn carriage in 1899: “Traveler this, Traveler that. Where’s the Tony Dispatch? Hah? This is horsehit—which I only now can joke about, because I was assassinated by horses. The President’s cat should be safe napping in the middle of the street. I mean, I’m not still mad, but… I hate horses, especially that egomaniac Traveler.”
Sandy Koufax, President Johnson’s goldfish, was poisoned by a martini dumped in his tank at a dinner party in 1979: “Can you get me out of this drain, please. 41 years. I’m in hell. This is hell. Please. Please. Oh Jesus, please help me.”
Bart, President Davis’s mouse, was hunted, captured, and slaughtered by Tony in 1897: “If that bastard Tony is included in this article, I’m going to lose it. He ate me, and now he’s still hunting me every night after he got hit by that carriage… Now that was funny. He got laid out! Middle of the street. Stupid bitch.”
Tony: “I am so sick of Bart. No sense of humor.”
Abigail, President Booth’s cat, was hit by a horse-drawn carriage in 2017: “Traveler is so annoying, but these other ghosts are insufferable. Hey, can we get rid of those carriages? Super dangerous. No one talks about that.”
Randy, a toad who lived in President Jefferies’s yard, died of natural causes in 1841: “Thanks for including me in this. Traveler is a decent guy. He has gotten a little cocky, but, well—wait don’t write that down. I should not have said that. Oh, he is going to kick my ass for this. Stupid, Randy! Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
Traveler was not made available for comment by his spokesperson.