NEWCOMB— Senior frat bro Josh Wilson was reportedly spotted Friday in Greek History 102, which was filled with some familiar letters but very few familiar faces; as he looked around, he reported being struck by the overwhelming majority of Independents. The class, a last-ditch effort to fulfill some final FDRs before graduation, quickly took him out of his comfort zone without a single mention of the Greek System at large.
“When Josh walked into class the first day, he seemed a little confused by the Greek statues on the professor’s syllabus PowerPoint,” said Harris Starnes, an Independent sophomore, in an interview. “He turned to me and said, ‘I wonder how many beers you have to shotgun to get one of those, dude.’”
“When Josh found out this class was about, like, actual Greece,” she added, “his skin became clammy and he started sweating. His beady eyes soon became a full-on deer-in-the-headlights when he asked the rest of the room where they were rushing, only to be met with head-shakes and scoffs.”
Jamie Lee, another Independent member of the class, remarked, “Josh seems to intentionally distance himself from the rest of the room, which would help explain the clashing, pastel-colored Vineyard Vines clothes he dons every day in a conspicuous attempt to ward off the rest of us.”
—Elyssa McMaster ’21