Washington and Lee students apparently value the beautiful possibility of a dozen fresh, delicately exquisite Pure Eats doughnuts more than they value reconnecting with what’s-his-name from Red Square last night.  It was a close but significant victory for the deep-fried dough balls when W&L students were asked why they were obsessively thumbing their iPhones approximately 1 billion separate times over the span of two minutes. Other top contenders included, “the joke in my latest Instagram caption was a bit subtle and I don’t know if people will get it” and “I can’t believe what Drunk Me texted last night.” But in the end, it seems like our collective biggest priority is being the unlikely recipient of twelve perfectly perfect dessert-goals delicacies and, in the face of such beautiful aspirations, last night’s hookup can suck it.

Because let’s be honest, what can you get you off more efficiently than those little fucking bacon crumbles on top of that glorious maple-flavored, deep-fried dough? That’s right: nothing and no one.

-Bri Shaw ’18