GRAHAM-LEES—Despite the university’s best efforts to force friendships among first-years, California native and RA Kallie Stephenson has described the task as “exceedingly difficult” due to the influx of bland-looking white males on campus.

“We started classes two weeks ago and I, speaking for the rest of the girls on my hall, still can’t tell you which guy on my hall is which,” claims Stephenson. “All of them sport similar haircuts and wear the same shoes, and it’s almost as if they all go through the same cycle of multicolored Polo shirts. How am I supposed to tell my Jack from my Jake if they’re all completely unmemorable, and, you know, generic?”

When asked what the boys — whitewashed in more than their jeans — can do to become more notable, Stephenson suggested that each select an identifying factor to help others remember who they are, such as a signature neck tie, an earring, or a forehead tattoo, being sure to entirely spell out “James” to avoid being mixed up with “Jared.” As of this writing, makeshift name tags have proven a temporary fix to the ordeal.

—Elyssa McMaster ’21