By the numbers: 17 first-years shit pants post honor orientation

LEE CHAPEL – The Executive Committee, once again, successfully scared the shit out of a few distinguished members of the Class of ’21.

On the Wednesday night of O-Week, the newest crop of nervous, hungover first-years received the 268th “Welcome to Washington and Lee” (of the week) in the sacred Lee Chapel. The EC’s president delivered the gentle reminder that the new students not screw this one up, implying a direct reference to ’54’s football team. The turning point came at the speech’s climax, punctuated by a thrown pen and deafening silence — “…please leave now.”

“I couldn’t hold it in any longer,” reported the student in question, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “I ate way too much pizza and soft serve in Dhall and, already feeling queasy, you can put the rest together. I frankly would have run out then but I couldn’t move.”

Siding with the majority to opt for a wardrobe change, the student returned to explain to the EC that he did not, in fact, want to withdraw from the school. No word yet on the group’s response.

—Coleman Martinson ‘21