Following a flurry of frantic calls yesterday from a freshman student at a local fraternity house, Public Safety quickly arrived with backup to respond to the disturbance. The individual in question, who has requested to remain anonymous, told the officers that a “what classes are you taking?” conversation with an upperclassman took a turn for the worst when the Gilliam dormitory quickly became the topic of discussion.

“It was awful, just awful,” the student said, wrapped in a blanket and holding a lukewarm D-hall coffee. “He started telling me about how they didn’t have air-conditioning, how they lived in a basement, there was mold and bugs and it was haunted… please don’t make me talk about it anymore.”

The student was carried back to Graham-Lee’s, where he took the elevator to his room, turned up the air conditioning, and drifted off to sleep while Public Safety stood guard outside his door.

While the poor young man was being taken to the safety of his new dorm, the upperclassmen turned to another freshman and asked, “so where are you living this year?”

-Chris Baumgarten ’19