First year students “basically experts at the whole college thing.”

A representative for the class of 2026 gave a statement to The Radish this afternoon noting that all of the students in the freshman class are now complete experts at handling every aspect of college life. 

“From avoiding the center columns to navigating this confusing campus, after 1.2 semesters, our class knows pretty much everything now,” read the 5 paragraph essay with a compelling introduction, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion restating the thesis.  

The letter, signed by every member of the class of 2026, noted that they knew where Wilson Hall was, what the Executive Committee does (kind of), and all of the nicknames for locations around campus. 

“Five months ago, we were children. Specks of dust in the wind of a society, loose after high school graduation. Now, we are makers of our own destiny,” according to the document. 

Representatives from the class of 2023 could not be reached for comment, as the statement was delivered before their first class of the day at 2pm. However, those old geezers  surely would have complained about “kids these days being test-optional” or some nonsense to that effect.  

The announcement by the first year students did not reach The Radish without some difficulty, however. While the statement was supposed to be delivered in the morning, an impromptu fire drill caused by burnt popcorn at four in the morning in Graham-Lees meant the messenger slept through his alarm.