Trav Dispatch Extends Hours 15 Minutes After Small Freshman Boy Drawn and Quartered by Townies

The town was shocked when they heard the news of freshman Kyle Troup’s brutal dismembering. It all began on the quiet night of October 15th, when Troup was walking home from the library. As soon as he tried to cross the quad, a pickup truck with farm plates filled with five young, strong, handsome townies pulled up hooting and hollering, short-shaming the young lad. Witnesses say they could hear the boy screaming “NO! DON’T HARM ME!” Sadly, the well-built townies did not listen.

Quickly, they grabbed him by the neck and threw him in the truck bed. That was the last any W&L students saw of Kyle, until recently when his remains were found scattered in the woods. At first it was a leg, then an arm, then a leg, then an arm, then his torso and head, and finally, a leg. Police investigating the scene with all of the Rockbridge County Police Department’s high-tech equipment determined the cause of death within minutes. The old drawing and quartering prank, which townies have been pulling on students in the days leading up to Halloween since the establishment of Rockbridge County High School (1992).

While all students found the murder disgusting, the administration took a harsh stance. “We have had enough of this kind of behavior from the surrounding community. Once and for all, we will take measures to ensure the safety and security of our campus!” head of the Office of Public Safety announced over the weekend. This heroic speech coincided with strong action from the administration, extending Trav Dispatch hours by 15 minutes on two nights of the week. In the coming weeks, we shall see how effective this solution will be. If it is anything like their previous solutions, it should work 100% and there should be absolutely no chance of any further disturbances from the external community.

SN ’21