Like many other students suffering through the loneliness and isolation that follow Hot Girl Summer™, freshman Anna Wagner was understandably excited when she heard of the return of everyone’s favorite activity: the Marriage Pact.
“I had never heard of it until the wlumarriagepact account followed me on Instagram, but soon it was the only thing anyone wanted to talk about,” Wagner confessed.
Founded in 2017, the Marriage Pact promises to match students with their most ideal matches using an algorithm that calculates compatibility through a series of questions designed to figure out what each individual values most in themselves and a relationship.
“It was like a fun personality test,” Wagner explained when asked about her experience. “You know those online quizzes where you figure out what kind of cactus you are? This was like that, except instead of getting matched with a plant or a type of cheese, you get matched with a hot guy.”
A week of anticipation later, Wagner and her housemates excitedly gathered to speculate about the initials – a taste of the promised soulmate – they had received in their email inboxes that morning. Wagner scoured social media for any sign of a guy with the initials “RL” that she might find appealing but came up with nothing. Still buzzing with excitement, she could barely sit still as she waited for the rest of her match’s details to be revealed.
When she got the email, however, she thought that the system had made a sort of mistake. “Dear Anna, your optimal match is Robert Lee, 100 N Jefferson St, Lexington, VA 24450,” the email read, giving the deceased man’s final resting place in lieu of a student email address. The alleged compatibility? 90.38%, much higher than the compatibility percentages of most other hopeful singles.
“I was… surprised, to say the least. I expected someone from this century. I didn’t expect to receive letters from him, but I have,” Wagner told our intrepid Radish reporter.
“Anna is constantly talking about how much she wants an older man with money to take care of her, so I’m not sure why she’s so surprised about this,” remarked one of her friends, who hopes that this match will finally put an end to Wagner’s complaints about her lack of love life.
Robert Lee was not available for comment despite the reporter’s efforts. However, Wagner assured The Radish that she was successfully communicating with the man (against her better judgement).
“He’s so romantic! He’s got that old-timey charm,” she gushed.
The pair will finally meet in person during a dinner date this weekend. Good luck, Anna!
By Catherine McKean
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