It was only yesterday that W&L’s Sexual Health Awareness Group (SHAG) put on their inaugural “Sex in the Dark” event, a Q&A sessions during which students could enjoy the anonymity of a dark room as they asked questions on the topics of sex and sexual health. However, not all attendees felt they were made properly aware of the event’s true purpose. “It’s false advertising is what it is,” commented Timmy Wimbledon, one such aggravated participant. “The event is called Sex in the Dark, but when I showed up with the entirety of my Alpha Phi pledge class, there was not a single person having sex.”
Other members of the fraternity expressed similar discontent. “I was so excited when I saw the event posting on Instagram,” lamented Alpha Phi president Tanner Turner. “I thought, finally, this school is addressing the true needs of its student population, but no…no. I was maliciously misled. When I showed up with my forty closest broskis, there was simply no orgy to be had. Rather, the brethren and I were subjected to an hour of educational information about safe sex practices. The brochachos were left scarred and terrified at the nature of these topics. We came to that event in good faith with the understanding that anonymous sex awaited us. We were bamboozled and unacceptably so.”
It has been confirmed by the fraternity that Turner’s father will be leading the team of lawyers in prosecution of SHAG’s heinous crimes. When asked for comment, SHAG president Flynn Conrad stated, “The idiocy on this campus never ceases to amaze me. To believe that a campus organization would sponsor an orgy is some next-level dumbassery.” Of course, this reporter feels obligated to correct Conrad here, as the student body has been hosting frat parties for years.
Representatives of Alpha Phi have expressed their confidence that the brothers are fully prepared to take on the injustice. “I’m not sure why this Court person wants to set a date,” mused Wimbledone, “but after Tanner’s dad is done wining and dining her, there’s no way we’re gunna lose.” To be certain, the fraternity’s assets are mighty. A representative of the legal team has announced that they plan to take an aggressive legal approach because “As everyone knows, once sex is promised, there is no legal way out of it.” With such strong convictions on both sides, this courtroom battle is sure to get heated.
Stay tuned as The Radish continues its coverage of the suit and trial throughout their proceedings. More to cum.
CB
The Radish 