In the most passive-aggressive email known to mankind, Associate Dean Calvin Driver announced that the irresponsible and reckless organizers of Friday Underground, so-named because “it is dangerous and likely illegal”, would be forced to undergo mandatory anti-hazing training.
“Omega Kappas beating kids with sticks as they fall down stairs and drugging women’s drinks is unfortunate, sure, but boys will be boys. I draw the line at free cider and optional karaoke,” said Driver.
However, in order to make the mandatory training “fair”, Driver announced that all students – regardless of their affiliation with FUDG – would have to attend the awkwardly-silent “conversations” at Stackhouse Theater.
The training follows the shocking investigation by an undercover Radish reporter that FUDG was serving caffeine to first year students. Since then, the organization has been under the watchful eye of the university, but still remains active in their so-called “ARC house.”
“I frankly don’t understand how these guys haven’t been kicked off campus,” said Alpha Sigma Bryson White Jr, class of ‘23. “We know that ignoring blatantly obvious instances of hazing and assault on campus by sweeping them under the rug is university policy, but we have to draw the line of decency somewhere.”