A Global Valentine’s Day

Everyone is dealing with quarantine differently. Being stuck in Lexington, VA has done a number on several globally minded students, but this Valentine’s Day, one student has found a creative solution.

Thomas Braxton, SNU brother and class of ‘21, was seen carrying several packages towards campus mail for drop-off this Friday, just in time for them to arrive on the 14th.

“To quote the great rapper, umm, T-Pain I think? ‘Been around the world, don’t speak the language, but your booty don’t need explaining.’ Talk Dirty to Me. Great Song,” Braxton said.

Braxton told this reporter he has several significant others to whom he was shipping candy – Russia, North Macedonia, and the defunct nation of Yugoslavia. He said all of these women were, quote, “totally real” and also “had great personalities and stuff, which is important to me.”

“Not only do they love candy, I guess they have a lot of smartphones because they keep asking for these Google Play cards.” Braxton said.

Braxton, famous on campus for having a “totally hot babe who lives in Canada” who “like met [him] in Middle School,” seemed initially confused when questioned about his long-term girlfriend’s thoughts on the comical amount of packages being sent abroad.

“My uh, long term girlfriend in Canada though. Her name is Alberta. Yeah, she’s cool with this because we’re like an open relationship,” Braxton said.

GW ‘23