Sunny Side Up! Student Health to Install Sun Lamps in a Surprising New Location

The sun may still be burning bright, but gloomy autumn weather will be here sooner than you realize. Much like XXXTentacion’s top song, it’s SAD! missing the sun and its benefits.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is no joking matter. Student Health is proud of the sun lamps installed in Leyburn Library, but it also acknowledges that students may need more frequent exposure to these rays. So, let’s get lit.

As you have surely noticed, the bidets installed in many campus bathrooms are accompanied by aggressively heated toilet seats. But there’s more to them than that.

Sun lamps will now be installed in these intensely heated seats, providing a full-feature lavatory experience so radiant that Sun Bum themselves would be jealous. When the lid is opened, a bright beam (as strong as that one projector light in lecture that burns your retina) is dispersed evenly onto students’ rumps, ensuring that the body’s regulation of serotonin and melatonin continues to thrive.

Sun lamp therapy is reported to work best with bright, white light, so what better place to install this technology than the porcelain perch?

Highly-anticipated student feedback is expected to be simply glowing.

— Elora Fucigna ’19