In the small, quiet town of Lexington, you may have noticed some new faces. Be it freshman, suspicious transfers, or mysterious faculty, the mock con team is being vigilant to screen these new community members amidst the fears of Russian spies present to interfere with the upcoming mock primary election convention.
State Chairs for their respective delegations were requested to review all delegate members with an intense citizenship test. Any student driving an American made truck was automatically exempt from the screening process.
“We had already been preparing for Russian influence, and public safety officers are currently being trained by elite members of the secret service.”
Members of the student body have expressed their concern: “If the secret service is here… can I still get drunk before the parade?”
“After the Iowa caucus mess, we’re reviewing the security of our app and our entire leadership team,” reports an anonymous member on mock con leadership. “Since there was no clear answer, the fate of America really rests on our decision.”
The research team is scrambling to recover from the loss of an Iowa prediction and were seen throwing their all of their previous work in a bonfire the night of the caucus while chanting “feel the Bern.”
“We’re at ground zero. Code Red. Not a drill. We were all depending on the Iowans, who so accurately reflect the opinions of the entire united states,” said the head research chair.
Many questions remain due to nature of secretive politics and chaos surrounding international threats, including from your mom, asking, “so what is this thing you’re doing again?”
— Adelaide Burton ’22
The Radish 