Student Previously Thought to be Fake Spotted Eating Bagel

Alleged sophomore Jack Goodacre was spotted in Hillel early Monday morning eating a cereal bagel. Onlookers were alarmed not by the poor choice in bagels, but by his mere presence.

“I really thought he wasn’t real.” said Anna Smith ’19. “No one I’ve talked to has ever seen him around campus.”

“I thought his Instagram account was a sociology thesis or something,” said Blair Dean ’20, “he always likes my posts, though.”

When asked for comment, Goodacre was confused as to why so many students doubted his existence. “My mom thinks it’s all pretty funny,” Goodacre admitted, “but I just don’t know why everyone is convinced I’m fake? I mean, I’m in half of these people’s lectures.”

The Registrar’s Office declined to comment on Goodacre’s current enrollment status.

– Anonymous