Breaking News: Men’s Soccer Bans Elderly Admirer From Practices

In a surprise turn of events, the Washington and Lee Men’s Soccer team has formally banned a fan from attending their practices. This comes roughly a week after Rockbridge County resident Leeroy Hunter, 80, showed up uninvited to one of their team meetings. The news of no soccer this fall devastated Hunter, who has been a fan of the Generals’ soccer program for as long as he can remember. In isolation due to medical conditions, Hunter found a new way to connect with the program. He began coming to campus by himself every week or so to watch the boys practice.

All was going well until last week, when he checked his email at the local library and discovered an upsetting email from the soccer team captains. It read, “While we appreciate the admiration you hold for our team, for obvious reasons you may no longer come to our practices. Public Safety is aware of the situation and will make sure you follow our request. Thank you.” The email was actually from many weeks ago. Shocked by this, Hunter once again felt disconnected from the world. Hit hard by the pandemic, he lost his soccer team, and all the things he loved about them: the sounds and smells of the grass under fresh cleats, the artistry and connection amongst the team, the blonde guy from Denver… Men’s soccer was unhappy with any questioning and refused to speak with The Radish.

This incident could be a turning point within W&L athletics; will we see more teams ban fans in the future? It could be dangerous moving forward to grant teams that authority, especially as Leeroy Hunter did not think he was guilty of any wrongdoing and now feels his life no longer has meaning. Either way, it is not up to the blonde guy from Denver or Leeroy Hunter to decide who is right; it is up to you, dear reader. Leeroy Hunter was fully naked watching the game, covered in cooking oil, and making chimpanzee noises. We will keep you informed as further updates come.

SN ’21