Cannan Green quiet hours instituted in effort to ward off influx of “deep conversations” between freshmen roommates

Having lived side-by-side for two weeks now, the roommates of the Class of 2021 have, unsurprisingly, gotten pretty close. Whether enjoying impromptu swing dance lessons, complaining about a certain Calc I professor, or celebrating the latest inside joke in Co-op, some of these friendships may even pass the point of mutual avoidance, if all continues to go well.
One dedicated Radish reporter, however, has uncovered a new trend that has shaken the freshman class – and the campus at large – to its core.
An increasing number of roommates, walking in lockstep and gesticulating madly to punctuate conversation, had been spotted each night, wandering aimlessly across Cannan Green. The topic of discussion and the point of the activity remained unclear, so this reporter took the initiative to interview two: Sally Bates and Mary Versa, both ’21.
“We’ve been through a lot together,” Bates said when asked what she was up to. “I feel like I can share things with her that I haven’t been able to with anyone else in my life and Cannan Green just seemed like the perfect place for a deep conversation. You know that, like, everyone is doing it?”
Versa was quick to add, “She’s definitely going to be in my wedding.”
According to a number of reports, upon the completion of a mandatory ice breaker session, 100.00% of freshman halls saw an explosion of similar deep conversations taking place on Cannan Green.
Instituting martial law in response to such a widespread pain in the ass, Pub Safety announced last week that Cannan Green quiet hours will be instituted between the hours of 1700 and 1600 each night, to be “strictly enforced.” With punishments ranging from manning the puke bucket on Trav to extended mandatory orientation events, the enforcement squad is using just about everything in its arsenal to quell the masses.
An anonymous Public Safety officer commented, “We’re just happy that unlocking dorm rooms is behind us so we can focus on more important things.”
–Anthony Lorson ‘21