Area freshman “doesn’t need to be health centered, just taken home” between episodes of vomiting

Following two hours of Aristocrat shots with three hallmates in his dormroom, 115-pound Chad was spotted at 9:04 p.m. EST stumbling to his first pregame of the evening. Soon brought back at 9:17 p.m. EST by a friend and two charitable, unknown upperclassmen, Chad was in prime condition to “keep the party going” with one … Continue reading Area freshman “doesn’t need to be health centered, just taken home” between episodes of vomiting

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Health center not really feeling 100% today

Sources indicate that as a whole, the Health Center staff just really isn’t feeling like itself today. “I still came in today because I didn’t want to fall behind in my work,” said Nurse Smith, “but all I can think about is napping during my lunch break.” She added, “I barely have the energy to … Continue reading Health center not really feeling 100% today

Area Facebook user sucked into three-hour Tasty™ video trance

“1:37 a.m.,” Trisha Lewis’ bedroom clock read as she turned around to check the time. A considerable portion of her night, she realized, had been spent watching foreign hands mix cookie dough. Having convinced herself that she would take a brief break between parts 16m and 16n of her calculus worksheet, Lewis reportedly hit trouble … Continue reading Area Facebook user sucked into three-hour Tasty™ video trance

Woods creek residents offered $20 from facilities to “keep this mold between us”

An unnamed Woods Creek resident pulled out her trusty Rainbow flipflops yesterday, only to find they were covered in mold. Shocked, the resident looked around and realized that there was mold on her walls that she hadn’t noticed before. “That explains my 5 diagnoses of pink eye this semester” laughed the resident, nervously. After pondering … Continue reading Woods creek residents offered $20 from facilities to “keep this mold between us”

Christmas Weekend dates don’t ditch each other at basement party; Lee Chapel wedding to come

While several of his peers supposedly left Friday’s Christmas Weekend basement party dateless and disappointed, first-year student Trent Kallen had “the best night of his college career” with his date, hall mate Kaylee Marshall, who he had asked just hours before Friday night’s events. When asked about his success relative to his friends, he answered, “Anyone … Continue reading Christmas Weekend dates don’t ditch each other at basement party; Lee Chapel wedding to come

Appeal of mock trial team still largely unclear to mock trial team

“#Swept,” read the caption to junior “mocker” Tim LeBoise’s Facebook photo, which showed six WalMart trophies carefully organized from shiniest to least shiny (LeBoise’s proudest, of course, being the “best memorized script” award). LeBoise, who misses most major date functions so he may instead travel long distances in a rented minivan, has already had three … Continue reading Appeal of mock trial team still largely unclear to mock trial team

Area first-year reads PowerPoint verbatim in class presentation

Strolling around Windfall with two Busch Lights, one large grin, and zero cares about the Peloponnesian War, Matt Jenkins, ’20, reportedly felt “great” about tomorrow’s presentation for HIS 332: History of Greek Wars. Arriving just in time for class, confident that his bullet points were “vastly” more extensive than others, he sat in class excited … Continue reading Area first-year reads PowerPoint verbatim in class presentation