Revised FDR requirements to reflect dystopian hellscape students expected to inherit

After withering criticism from the campus’ right wing, including a brilliantly drawn cartoon, the University has retracted their proposed updates to the required curriculum of all students. In the place of those plans, the university has proposed a new, practical education to prepare students “for the dystopian hellscape your generation will inherit.”

“With issues like solar flares, nuclear war, and famine looming overhead, it didn’t make sense to shift the curriculum to skills that would only be useful until civilization implodes in on itself. Instead, we are preparing our students for the skills needed to survive in the 21st century – God help us all,” said President Dudley.  

Alumni will be pleased to know that the swim test will remain so that students are prepared for a Waterworld-esque future created by climate change. Rather than mandatory science classes, the revised new curriculum will teach students how to engineer huts from the burnt husk of post-wildfire cityscapes. Athletics departments plan to replace all sports with sprinting competitions, such that students are prepared to outrun roving groups of bandits. 

“While climate change is a fake liberal conspiracy, the libs will destroy the world in some other way. As long as students don’t learn things like ‘critical thinking’ or ‘reason’ this plan is acceptable to us,” said Richard Little III, Tsar of General’s Redoubt. 

Other departments on campus are working on incorporating these ideas into their curricula as well. 

“Rather than analysis of history, we are preparing each of our students to memorize huge blocks of text, so that when the written word is forgotten in the wake of the Yellowstone Supervolcano, history can still be studied by future, post-apocalyptic generations,” said Micheal McConner, head of the WLU History Department. 

FW