What’s popping frosh,
First, I just wanna thank y’all for coming out to our totally bangin’ rager on the cliffs of the Maury last night. It seemed like a lot of you chicks out there so taken with the brothers that you forgot to give them your numbers. Don’t worry, I’ve already made a google form and you can send your hookup requests through there.
Also, it is with a like, totally heavy heart that I share with you guys that one of our esteemed brothers, Kevin Collins a.k.a. Kev-atitis C, is now drinking from that big pack of Busch in the sky. I was too busy talking to this one girl, the really hot one, to notice that Kev-berry juice decided to take a running start straight off the side of the cliff. In his defense, “Free bird” and “I believe I can fly” had just played in succession, so, y’know, Kev-dawg did not die a bitch. He lived as a true bro, a dedicated student of botany, and a loving caretaker of his dirtbike. If only he could ride it into Dhall one more time.
The brothers and I spent an entire 40-rack thinking of how to honor Kev-chester sauce, and now we’re ready to announce the biggest social event of the season: KEGGERS FOR KEVIN. Come out to Poles for an epic beer olympics/open casket viewing, where we’ll have sick mourning tunes, a moving eulogy from boof-master Derek set to the tune of “Gasolina”, and a vote on which awesome outfit to put Kevin in for his last party ever (I’m gunning for the inflatable T-Rex)
But play it cool if his parents drop by, cause we’ll be weekend-at-Bernie’s-ing it. We can’t work up the emotional courage to break the news to his parents yet.
And be sure to stop by at our table outside commons this week, where we’ll be selling super sexy “RIP Kevin” t-shirts (featuring the last photo of Kevin alive, the really boss one where he ran naked out of the health center). Pull up in style and pour one out for Kevaroni and cheese himself.
Frosh: 8 pm
Gals and Grieving Relatives: 10pm
“Kevin used to have more limbs than that.” — J. Block
“Kev died as he lived –abiding by song lyrics. I still remember the night ‘Sex’ by Nickelback came on at a mixer” – Sammy G.
“One cannot fully put to words the horrors I witnessed on that cliff. In an instant, I watched a man so full of life become completely devoid of it. This scarring incident is one that I will not soon forget or even be able to process. Also one time I saw Kevin throw up on his tux and that was pretty funny.” — Conner S.