Cadavers losing ground in tunnel war with the Mole People

In a conflict so mysterious, so exclusive that your friend who sometimes goes to windfall hasn’t even heard about it, the Cadavers’ ongoing tunnel war against the Mole People has taken a turn for the worst. Within the subterranean caverns beneath Washington and Lee University, the shouts of soldiers echo through the Cadaver stronghold:

“WE NEED A DOCTOR, STAT! IS ANYONE HERE A— WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GOT RID OF THAT REQUIREMENT?!”

“…I was pre-med before I switched to the Williams School.”

“DAMMIT, we’ll have to make do. QUICK, saw that lax stick in half and splint this man’s leg!”

Exchanges like this are becoming more and more common — following several weeks of gridlock, the Mole People started to chip away at the Cadavers’ advancement. Now, the Cadavers find themselves being driven back into their historic territories, their Range Rover cavalry fleeing the polydactyllic hands of the Mole People.

It was not long ago that first contact was made between these two secretive groups. While boring tunnels underneath third year housing, Cadavers halted digging when a temporary access shaft collapsed, exposing the underground lair of their fabled enemies.

“Agh, Mole People!!!” screamed then-Cadaver initiate Pamela Rye.

“Agh, skeleton costumes from Wal-Mart!!!!” cried the Mole People in response.

Tensions between the groups have escalated in the wake of leaked Mole People documents revealing the construction of a super weapon. One Cadaver spoke about the super weapon on condition of anonymity: “I’d just yanked my robe free after it got caught in the library elevator when [REDACTED] came back with the intel… I remember looking at it and thinking, ‘My God… the mole hill…. they’re gonna make a mountain out of it.’”

With rapidly depleting resources, the Cadavers have sought the help of other secret societies.

“Skull and Bones sent us one of George Bush’s paintings, watercolor; the Freemasons said they’re busy fighting Nicolas Cage,” mentioned the Cadaver, “and, uh, we’re still waiting to hear back from the Death Eaters.”

Though the Cadavers remain optimistic, they understand that they face an uphill battle: “This is worse than that time David S Pumpkins kept trying to make us part of his thing.”

—Andrew Fox ’16