In a recent email to the student body, President Dudley, on behalf of the facilities team at W&L, announced the disturbing cause behind the recent collapse of the ceiling in Nuestro Hogar Latino and the known sinking of third year is not the result of poor planning or systemic neglect of students of color, but instead, the ghosts of old W&L alumni cursed to party and remain students at the campus for an eternity.
“An extensive external review determined that all of the failings of university housing – essentially since 1865 – can be explained by the presence of these ghosts. The collapse of the ceiling in Nuestro Hogar Latino can single handedly be traced to an absolute polka banger which caused one inebriated Daniel Hickenlooper, class of 1874, to fall through the attic floor,” Dudley said in the campus wide email.
Other than infrastructure collapse, other problems with housing also seem to be traced back to the hauntings.
“The slow sinking of third year can explained by the constant jumping of ’50s students going to sock hops, and the lack of two-ply toilet paper can be traced to one mischievous Elman Harding, ‘35, who uses the paper as homework sheets since he is cursed to live in the great depression for an eternity. It all makes too much sense in hindsight really,” Dudley said.
Dudley has announced several plans to try and resolve the ghost problem.
“We have contracted with an expert medium who will attempt to convince the ghosts to live in some useless part of campus, like Gaines, or at least go for a waltz or some quieter, calmer, dance,” concluded Dudley in his email.
When reached out for comment, several ghosts only provided misogynistic and racist rambling which rendered their words unfit for print in this esteemed publication.
The Radish 