Matthew McConaughey Wrote a Book and Now I Need to Learn to Read

Slaughterhouse Five? For Whom the Bell Tolls? Hard Pass. Nobody needs to read these works of fiction. Everyone needs to read the true story of the life and exploits of an American treasure… Matthew McConaughey. Finally, a book that I won’t be assigned, buy at the bookstore, and then never open. This is a book that I will ask for from Santa, open on Christmas, and have my father question my masculinity when he sees the complete and pure glee on my face. That won’t matter though, because I’ll be spending the entirety of Christmas Day being lost in the prose of the actor who starred in masterpieces like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I only pray that they come out with a book on tape, so I can avoid actually having to breakdown and learn my letters. This entire piece was written through Siri, mind you, exclamation point okay stop writing find beer near me. If there is no audio book, then any willing volunteers to teach me the alphabet should email my friend at so he can read the good news to me.

As an utter cliché, I have often found myself as a liberal arts student with no idea what he wants to do in life. However, now I know. I want—nay, I need—to teach a literature class. Not just any class, but one focusing on the career and exploits of a man, who, to be frank, should probably be the President. The class would likely be cross-listed, film and literature, and we would watch all of his movies, followed by The Book. Sounds more like joy than work. They say that if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life… and boy, do I love Matthew McConaughey.

BM ‘21