Last week, the Executive Committee decided that, in an age where alternative facts and moral degradation have rapidly become the status quo, there is no point in sustaining funding for the Mudd Center for Ethics, an organization which now contradicts national culture.

“I know it sounds like the glass is half empty,” said EC member Christian Vanderbilt. “With everything that’s been going on, though, it doesn’t seem right to keep this program going. Nowadays, a center for finding morality in today’s complex world is like a horse with a broken leg. It’s better to put it down quickly.”

Additionally, the Executive Committee recently emailed the student body claiming that a large influx of cash will be available for distribution to clubs “gladiator-style,” where Hunger Games-style moves will be required to get your shitty Mariachi Band Club off the ground. When confronted by critics, Atticus Peck, the EC vice-president, began throwing punches at the individuals, yelling “Check me, I dare you!”

Public safety officers arrested the critics under direction of the EC, which claimed yesterday in an announcement that “the number of closed trial honor violations just might increase drastically if these alleged ‘ethical dilemmas’ continue to be acknowledged.”

In other news, Trump advisor Steve Bannon will visit W&L next month to celebrate the university’s “great new steps toward societal conformity.”
-Chris Baumgarten ‘19