As the administration moves forward with their goal to “stop talking about goddamn Robert E. Lee,” the Admissions Office has made a concerted effort to attract additional international students to the university. As President Dudley put it in his latest address to the student body, “international students’ unique perspectives, work ethic, and limited knowledge of American history make them ideal W&L applicants.”
However, the shift in demographics has raised some concerns for the school’s esteemed Greek organizations.
“At first, I was very excited for all the opportunities this new class presented our fraternity,” said Beta Beta Recruitment Chair Chad Hemmings. “I mean, the dean can’t cancel our Ancient Egypt party again if one of our guys drove here on a camel, right? But it turns out that only half of the Egyptians we’re rushing have ever seen a camel, and when I asked them their favorite shapes, not a single one said pyramid. They’re not exotic. They’re just poor.”
For organizations such as Beta Beta, the often limited financial means of international students came as quite a shock.
“Last week, I told a pledge to buy me a six pack and he asked me if he could pay in rupees. Like what the fuck? We don’t have a barter system around here. And if we did, I wouldn’t trade a case of Busch for a whole herd of rupees,” said Lee Gacy, brother of Beta Beta. “When I was a freshman, I started every conversation with the fact that my dad worked at Goldman Sachs. Now, I don’t even ask the new guys what their dads do for a living. It just makes me sad.”
Despite these concerns, some organizations, such as the well-known Sigma Sigma Sigma fraternity, have learned to roll with the punches.
“One thing that’s great about recruiting poor people is they have nothing to lose,” said Treasurer Paul Logain, “which means they’re much more willing to get creative when it comes to paying dues. Usually when you ask a new member if he’s willing to click on Google search results twelve hours a day to join your fraternity, he’ll make some lame excuse, like ‘I have to go to class,’ or ‘I want to see my friends this week.’ These international students, though, they understand the grind.” Earlier this month, Logain’s chapter launched their “Sigma University” program, an online multi-level marketing campaign aimed to help new members cover the cost of frat dues and build valuable skills in areas such as drop shipping, cryptocurrency investing, and playing hard to get for the ladies.
“Sigma University has changed my life. Before, I was spending my weekends getting drunk and trying to talk to girls. Now, I spend my weekends selling office chairs and avoiding women entirely,” said Andrew, a Romanian native and first-year member of Sigma Sigma Sigma.
Other new members share similar success stories. Jordan, a psychology major from Canada, boasted “we are not the same, eh? You spend all day obsessing over your Instagram posts praying a girl will slide into your DMs. Ever since I started affiliate marketing, I’ve had to leave my phone off to avoid the torrent of girls just begging me to be their only fan.”
The Sigmas’ runaway success has garnered some attention in high places. Just this week, Sigma Sigma Sigma President Chip Morris received a letter from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) announcing their intention to pay the fraternity a visit while describing the group’s practices as “blatantly exploitative” and “reminiscent of the eighteenth century.” While most college students would be terrified of a visit from the federal government, President Morris seems optimistic.
“Of course I’m excited for the feds to visit. I mean, I know they’re narcs, and it’s kinda douchey to not tell us when they plan to come hang, but at least a few of them must know how to shotgun, right?”
For the sake of all the lonely young men on this campus, we at the Radish sure hope so.
Joe Gilmor, Guest Writer
The Radish 