Influx of high school seniors doubles fraternities’ dating pool

With early decision season approaching, touring high school seniors have flocked to campus in hopes of signing half-a-million dollars away to cry daily for four years. 

However, for our renowned campus fraternities, this annual minor inconvenience represents a great triumph for brothers who are down bad. The influx of minors and barely adults has, according to one study, at least doubled the dating pool for much of the fraternity population. 

“I usually start off by saying I’m a senior, and that they’re a senior, and we go from there,” said George Brad, member of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “By go from there, I mean use my inherent position of power to coerce them into sexual activities.” 

Despite the fact that Yik Yak is a freely downloadable app, it seems another reason for the increase in fraternity dating options is a lack of information on the part of the touring high schoolers.  

“I mean, those kids don’t know all of the bullshit greek drama about how our fraternity has small dicks, or are creeps, or are losers while all the other fraternities are great and – wait…” said Marco Brecht, president of Kappa Beta.

While the presence of touring parents may be a deterrent to some, for other fraternity members, the presence of older adults could be another source of increased partner possibility.

“I’m a big MILF guy. Don’t quote me on that.” said Nick Harris IV, brother of Beta Pi Pi. 

However, not everyone on campus is thrilled about these developments.

“Please, Lexington McDonalds. I will work for you. I have a masters, but Jesus, I’m desperate to get out of this place,” said Mary Eliza Childs, Director of Admissions and Recruiting. 

Out of fear that the students might say something contradictory to the wishes of our beloved fraternities, the Radish could not reach out for comment to the high schoolers affected by this development.