Study Finds Everyone Had Better Summers Than You 

Despite the fact that you thought you managed to have a pretty decent summer, a recent study by the WLU Sociology department found that literally everyone on campus had a better summer than you. 

“Whether it was winning a Nobel Prize, spending three months in Europe, or marrying your mom, everyone else’s summer was simply better than yours, and many contributed to making yours worse. It’s quite impressive actually,” reads the study abstract.

While the work or travel you did over the summer could have been worthwhile, scientifically, everyone else simply had better opportunities. 

“I mean, it’s great that you scored that internship, but I’m actually Editor in Chief for the New York Times now,” said Samuel Briggs, former WLU Janitor.

While your unattractive personality and strange odor could have played a role, Professor Banes, who sponsored the research, largely believes your motivation to be the one factor which decided your subpar summer.

This groundbreaking study follows on the heels of a recent announcement that everyone at Washington and Lee was to receive executive positions at Goldman Sachs upon graduation, with the exception “of that one – you know who.”

FW