As of this Friday, our Radish staff has been bombarded by letters begging for advice from what appears to be an exceptionally lonely and increasingly desperate freshman, who, after months of disappointment, is still on the lookout for his dream “spring fling.” Here is his plea for help:
Hope you can help me out with this one. Because of COVID and its pesky regulations—no other reason, of course—I have not been able to find a female interested in a hookup or marriage. I suspect this is the same for everyone, although my roommate has a tendency to kick me out most nights of the week and I’m not really sure what that is all about. We’re nearing the end of the year, and I would really like some company. Isn’t spring for love?
Anyway, I went to pick up a test at the GDL the other day and found my soulmate typing away at the computer. She looked at me and spoke to me, but she must have been working on something important, because she quickly waved me away, test in hand.
The next day, I went to the florist downtown and got my soulmate a large bouquet of red roses as well as a pizza from Domino’s. I had to show her that I can provide, after all. I went to the GDL, but no one was in the office this time. I set the flowers and pizza on the desk and scribbled my Kik handle on a sticky note. I also grabbed the work study schedule for the GDL and at last spied my beloved’s name.
I was so excited to finally be able to converse with her, but she never reached out to me. Must have lost the sticky note.
I started showing up whenever she had a shift, but she never tried to talk to me aside from “What class section are you?” and seemed to be eternally busy, which is really not fair. Whenever I tried to step into the office, she quickly shooed me away, pointing at a sign that states that people cannot enter the office. She, however, is always in there, sometimes with another worker, so the sign is lying. I have suggested to her that she step out, but she simply shakes her head and goes back to her furious typing. I don’t get it! I’ve done so much for her, and yet, she’s ignoring me and is almost hostile at times.
I’ve only got a few weeks left, so what should I do?
My first thought to this long letter is a resounding “oh dear.” Not for you, of course (maybe for you a little), but for the poor work study student with whom you’ve imagined an idyllic scenario. I see that you have breached the unspoken rule of service workers which is to never assume that their polite friendliness is a flirtation. I fear any chance of you getting with your “soulmate” within this lifetime has been ruined, but that doesn’t mean that you have to give up all hope on a decent spring fling yet. The more important issue, however, is this: who still uses Kik?
What you need, dear friend, is a Tinder account. It has helped many of us in the past. Please download the app as soon as humanly possible, and if you see your work study sweetheart, simply swipe left because some things are best forgotten.