With the year coming to a close, we, here at the Radish, look back on our fondest memories from this unusual year, and look forward to making next year the best it can be. With this in mind we query: What’s everyone’s favorite part of W&L? It’s not the education or the dorms or even Hillel. So, what else is there? …Frat Bathrooms. We are here with some real and solid advice about how to design your Dream! Frat! Bathroom! Each of these steps will give you and your guests the college experience they pay $70,000 a year for. So, let’s break it down.
Step One: Pee everywhere.
This is an important one. A frat bathroom is NOTHING if it doesn’t reek of piss. You want everyone who uses it to know that you are a disgusting human being… that’s hot. You want everyone to see and smell the musk of dehydrated and beer filled 18–22-year-old dudes.
Step Two: Under no circumstances have toilet paper.
Honestly, toilet paper is a turn off for the ladies. If there is some in the bathroom, we will just assume you never even use it. At least if it’s all gone we can assume that it was all used up. If you do decide to have toilet paper (which, in my opinion, would be a mistake), make sure it is damp with mysterious liquid. Not too wet though, you want to make sure it looks dry from a distance so that there is a fun element of surprise when someone touches it and immediately would rather die than use it.
Step Three: A minimum of seven girls in there at a time.
Everyone knows that women travel in packs, and this is especially true when it comes to the bathroom. It is a bonding experience for us to be forced to use a toilet that looks like it has never met cleaning supplies. Pro-tip is to make the bathroom so small that girls must stand inside the shower or on top of the sink just to fit inside. The greatest way to make the experience all the more enjoyable is to make sure there is no lock on the door so that one person must hold it shut. Then, to add some spice, place angry sorority girls who really have to pee on the other side so that they will slam their bodies against the door to try and get the other girls to leave. This situation creates a really nice and calming bathroom experience. Bonus points if the girl holding the door closed slips on the piss-covered floor, gets completely knocked over by the girls on the other side, and shatters her phone that was in her back pocket.
Step Four: Men’s boxers hanging up.
This is a real treat and a very nice special touch to bring the whole bathroom together. It’s especially fun when your drunk friend decides to try on said boxers. That is a hilarious event that can only be made possible by well thought out décor.
Step Five: No soap because why be clean?
This one is self-explanatory. Just no soap.
There are thousands of other tips I could list, but here’s one last one:
Step Six: Make sure you shave your balls in the sink.
Pubic hair everywhere really brings the whole room together. It’s always a lovely feeling to go to wash your hands with no soap, look down, and then be extremely grossed out and actually have no wish to come back to that frat ever again. But that’s the goal, isn’t it?