Townies Prepare for Summer of Wine Tastings, Queer Slam Poetry Seminars, Once “Dumb, Fascist Students” Leave

            For the past 50 years, the residents of Rockbridge County, colloquially known as “townies,” have celebrated the spring-time departure of Washington and Lee students. However, an undercover investigation by this Radish reporter has determined that the reason for the celebration is actually because the “townies” view the students of W+L as uneducated hicks. 

            “Frankly, I’m ready for a Socratic seminar to discuss the radical liberation philosophy of Angela Davis,” said the one guy who owns the garage which has a bunch of Trump signs hanging outside of it. “Unfortunately, when these far-right elements from WLU are on campus, my husband and I have to blend in and be with the crowd.” 

            While Rockbridge and Lexington have not always been bastions of leftist philosophy and economics, the change has been solidified since at least the 1940s, when Lexington townies hosted a meeting of the little known Fifth International. However, the small town and county have become far more centrist since then, reverting to what might be viewed as social democracy, though still with a strong anarcho-syndicalist presence. 

            “It really hurts my soul to harass students on the street, especially those who are already marginalized by the socio-economic structure created by settler colonialism which commoditizes them,” said Sandra Belle, who usually drives around town in a red pickup truck with Confederate flags. “However, if I don’t make this town as unwelcoming to students as possible, our small worker-owned and -operated craft brewery could never host the annual worker solidarity picnic.” 

            Despite the complex nature of the ruse Lexington and Rockbridge County residents have to put on every year, the desire to maintain this secret seems universal, as do the people’s political inclinations.  

“Spending May Day of 2020 with my comrades because the students were sent home early was the best. I wish it could be like that every year,” said Xan Dollans, who serves on the democratically elected and anarchist advisory community council. 

            General’s Redoubt, which apparently is actually a funnel for money to global communist revolutions under the guise of reactionaries, could not be reached for comment.