A new student organization has come out of the tunnels beneath the library to speak exclusively with this Radish reporter about its purpose — a cult to President, according to them God, Dudley. In order to allow this interview to happen, the cult leader wished to remain anonymous. I don’t blame him.
“It all started when I was applying for colleges,” the leader of the self-proclaimed religious organization said. “I prayed to the false savior Jesus that I would get into Columbia — I didn’t. However, when I even thought about his Holiness, the President of Lees, I got my acceptance letter the next day.”
According to the spiritual leader, who gave himself the title Dudley Lama (sic), the spiritual journey took place over the course of several months.
“It naturally takes a long time to find the truth others have been too blind to see, or too scared to admit. Only through a deep self meditation and reflection, which I underwent after getting iced by my roommate like seven times, was I able to find the truth.”
Despite being founded very recently, the cult already has several in depth rituals. Among these include ritually chanting emails directly from the president (which are compiled in a notebook from a student who took his philosophy class) and confession in a circle of runes designed to approximate the same speech he gives every year for admitted students’ parents.
Of course, this organization has more than just its leader. One adherent, who wished to only be identified as Priestess X, ‘23 joined the organization last week. Asked why she believed in such an unusual religious belief, her answer was simple.
“I needed a break so bad,” she said. “I emailed the deans – nothing. Attended the COVID committee meeting – nothing. I merely thought about President Dudley – and we get that Friday off. Truely, He is a miracle worker.”
Understandably, reactions around campus have been mixed to this development.
“Look, worshiping our president? That’s absurd! Who would do such a thing?” said one student laying an apple on Traveler’s grave outside of Lee Chapel. “He’s a human – nothing more, nothing less.”