Investigation: Student Stricken with Intense Thursday Morning Social Anxiety

“Girls at this school suck,” Claims a young man denied a DFM twice in one night.
It’s a phrase heard from many among the scholarly gentlemen of the Wednesday night party scene. It is truly a feat in the art of deflection, when one is simply asked: “How was your night, my man?” With such bold and straight to the point commentary, the listener is forced to concur. After all, his friend does have “boys that go to state schools.”
Our investigative team was able to track down this student who has been so allegedly neglected to get to the bottom of things. One of our intrepid reporters managed to ask him a few questions, even though he needed to hurry back to his dorm room to listen to indie-rock and 2000’s throwbacks in order to “become better in-tune with the female student body.” Below, our investigative reporter recounts their conversation:
As a warm-up question, I asked him if his first semester was going well. I was then berated with a flurry of what I believe were “Real Bro’s of Simi Valley” quotes. I believe I heard something about a bad “ratio,” but, to be frank, I stopped listening when he flipped his Vineyard Vines hat backwards.
But as a reporter I had to put my personal distaste behind me and carry on with the interview. I first asked him how often he goes out during the week, expecting to hear about two to three nights. But no. Instead he pulled a calendar out of his backpack with the entire semester’s scheduled events, including his own personal events all titled: “Kickback in Gaines.” I won’t say that I was shocked, based on his personality, but I will say that I was surprised and give him credit for the amount of detail. He even had events that I didn’t even know my own fraternity was having.
Finally, I inquired about his comment that started the whole investigation. I knew that I had made a mistake immediately after I asked when he clapped his hands together and said “First of all, every girl here wants a relationship, but I’m just trying to hook up.” It seemed that I had opened Pandora’s Box with that one. He continued on to say that “It’s a shame that it’s getting cold out because now girls are wearing too much clothing.” Jesus Christ. At that point I just wanted to wrap things up, so I suggested that he watch some Dr. Phil or something. His response: “Nah it’s cool bro, I already sent in my transfer app to ASU.”
— Kevin Tripp ’21