Surgeon General Declares Baggie of Salt to be Universal Remedy

After years of questions about their function and efficacy, the baggies of salt from the Student Health Center have been found to aid in recovery from almost every disease on the planet. The health center has been doling out these bags by the thousands for years, even though most students have found their healing properties to be absolutely non-existent and have pondered, “How is this bag of seasoning supposed to cure the onset of my plague?”

However, groundbreaking new research shows that little plastic sack of NaCl ion has more health benefits than previously expected. Tests done by the surgeon general reveal baggies of salt have the potential to ease the symptoms of a plethora of diseases. Salt is helpful for the common sore throat and for the pained, phlegmy coughs that come with a raging case of bronchitis. It can help with anthrax poisoning, mad cow fever, and rabies! Who would have thought that a simple baggie of salt could impede bacteria from degenerating human brain tissue? There is even talk that the bag of salt might be a possible cure for Ebola, helping to stop the vomiting of blood with one simple gargle! And as a bonus, the baggies of salt are totally natural.

This product is safe for users of all ages- pretweens, millennials, and even baby boomers. They complement many dietary restrictions, including veganism, whole30, and the latest Goop diet plan from Gwyneth Paltrow. Even Anti-vaxxers love these little baggies, using them to keep their children away from needles and closer to starting a universal health crisis. You can pick up this cure-all remedy at the Student Health Center and even your local grocery store or restaurant table.

Note: The Surgeon General recognizes the physical similarities between these baggies of salt and small quantities of powdered cocaine. The Surgeon General urges the public to refrain from snorting salt or gargling cocaine.

— Audrey Overholt ’22