In Germany they call him ‘Kris Kringle’, in Scandinavia he is ‘Father Winter’, and Samoa knows him simply as ‘Big Red’. Santa Claus is known by many names, but West Virginia residents have recently christened him ‘Jolly Old Saint No-Coal-las’.
With improvements in fracking technology, the North Pole has ended the centuries-long stocking stuffer policy for naughty children. This change comes in the wake of Santa Claus’ winter encyclical, better known to elves as the ‘ice-cyclical’, criticizing the reckless energy consumption of gift manufacturing. In response, the North Pole has adopted more energy-efficient practices while still ensuring consequences for members of The Naughty List.
“Sure, it’s key to have a carbon neutral toys and goodies assembly line,” said elf representative Dingle,” but we assure that our Naughty List protocol will be just as impactful, from a little West Virginian receiving natural gas instead of coal to a Californian jerk getting runoff from D list celebrities’ second homes, or even a kid from Ohio getting a non-flammable LeBron jersey.”
North Pole spokes-elves declined to comment on the large use of reindeer energy for Santa’s sleigh.
– Andrew Fox ’17