Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Joint energy from Pluto and the Sun will have you energized to organize your life, but this project will not get past piling Amazon boxes in the far corner of your room.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Shady Pluto will sync up with the Sun this Tuesday, making your urge to subtweet stronger than ever.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Mercury will be in your snoopy eleventh house this month, so request to follow only the most promising of finsta accounts.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Your career house will be alight, but take care not to get carried away with resume fonts.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Adventure is in the air, so throw caution to the wind and try Lee Hi Truck Stop’s famous sushi!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): The Sun and Pluto will be shedding light on some mysteries this week, so you may be about to discover who has been eating your clearly marked food.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): You may think that that person was lovingly gazing at you in the halls, but your seventh house of relationships confirms that they were just trying to read the Student Health poster behind you.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Jittery Pluto begs that you better protect your online presence, so frantically change all your passwords and then forget to write them down.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your flamboyant fifth house is thriving, but stay wary of your body glitter ratios this weekend.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): A sibling rivalry could heat up when you discover that they snatched your favorite shirt out of your suitcase before you came back.
The Radish 