NFL banking on shorter, sexier pants to boost viewership

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Citing a recent dip in ratings, the NFL announced Thursday that it will be banking on shorter, sexier pants next season to boost viewership. “Let’s not kid ourselves, gentlemen — no one watches this sport for the game itself. Women’s football is where the real skill is, anyway. We’re all about the legs, ass, and balls!” shouted Roger Goodell to a cheering board of directors. Goodell also floated the ideas of instituting a league-wide 22 percent pay cut, removing contracts’ paternal leave clauses, and requiring under-eye concealer to make players’ exhausted expressions less noticeable to fans. “These are all steps in the right direction,” said Goodell, “but you know what I’d really like to see? A Foodie event or Paint Night Out for the boys. Something relaxing to loosen everyone up. I think our fans would love to see the guys just having a good time out there and not worrying so much about the score.”