Your Horoscopes — Week of September 22, 2017

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22): Venus moves into your sign on this week, begging you to please take your laundry out of the dryer, they’ve texted like twice.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22): If something feels off this week, be it at work or at a social gathering, trust your instinct and immediately text all your friends about it.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): The moon will rise in your passive aggressive house on Wednesday, so remind your significant other that the incident was totally fine, you’re not upset about it at all.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Don’t worry about proof-reading your emails this week, none of the typos will be that bad.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): You’re totally right, you don’t need to get the flu shot if you just eat clean this winter!

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Your hypochondriac zone will be firing on all cylinders this week, so google as many vague symptoms as possible.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Your ruler, clingy Neptune, is calling the shots this week, so make sure to overthink even the most causal of social interactions.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): The new moon on Wednesday is the perfect time to create a violent uprising in the line for Traveller.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your zone of ill-advised crushes will be active this weekend, so give out a fake number when asked.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): An unexpected spam email this week will be so realistic that anyone could have fallen for it.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): You have done a lot of Instagram stalking lately, and that will all come to a head when you like that picture from 166 weeks back.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): With Neptune approaching, now is a good time to know what being audited means.

–Anna Kate Benedict ’20