“Yeah, you heard me. Fuck you, in particular, you sack of shit,” Virginia Department of Transportation President Mike Dorvino said in a statement earlier today, reportedly aimed specifically at you. Upon being asked for clarification, Dorvino made an obscene gesture, made fun of the fact that you didn’t go anywhere cool for February Break, and issued a sly reminder that you’ve got homework due tomorrow that you’ve not yet started. Sympathetically offering the alternative of flying into Lexington, Dorvino waited for dramatic effect, then dropped the bomb that the closest airport is an hour down I-81.

As long as Dorvino’s in power, he said, he will ensure that there will be no one leaving for Charlotte before your 4:45 p.m. flight takes off. He will also look forward to you cracking some lame joke on the Class of 2019 Facebook page in search of a ride, and will make arrangements with the TSA to delay the flight of your pledge brother to whom you got guilted into giving a lift back to school. As a final injustice, Dorvino has reportedly called a special meeting with the Lexington police department to place squad cars around VMI and Sheetz to ensure that you enter town going no faster than 25 miles per hour.

“Bite me,” he added for emphasis.

-Ford Carson ’18