Cash-strapped Clinton excitedly accepts Contact Committee offer to speak on campus

Mock Convention proved to W&L that the “road to the White House” did indeed run “through our house.” Students will soon see that the road away from the White House also runs through our house.

In what seemed to be an antiquated Goldman Sachs speakers contract, her fee appeared to had been penciled down by one thousand percent to $675. Elated by the affordability, the Contact Committee Chairman jumped at the opportunity to book an event with the former presidential candidate.

Initially struggling to coax her from the woods, Clinton’s agent was finally able to draw her to civilization when a crowd’s “impeachment” chant began slowly increasingly in ferocity at the forest’s edge. Upon dusting off her disheveled pantsuit, Clinton signed the contract and cracked a presidential smile, clearly ready to “hang” with some “hip, forward-thinking youth.”

The Contact Committee has been working diligently to meet all the accommodations enumerated in the contract. Requests allegedly included an exterior-locking room, two human sacrifices, and a personal Sorority Row monitor for Bill. In her separate green room, she requested a full length mirror, inspirational videos of herself, and plenty of hot sauce.

Made clear in section 6 line 46 was the request for “prior knowledge of any and all interview questions.” Committee members were assured that this was standard operating procedure for all interviews and debates in which Secretary Clinton takes part. Potential answers must be “focused grouped” to maximize voter (?) satisfaction.

The “young person’s outreach” section of the contract included several line item charges for specific services. The Committee would be charged additional costs if she was asked to “dab on em,” to take “selfie pictures,” or use words not commonly used in modern political discourse.

Each phone conversation between Secretary Clinton and the Contact Committee quickly devolved into a stump speech. When asked how she would like to be introduced, she snapped: “I’m a progressive. But I’m a progressive who likes to get things done.”

Later in the conversation, she blasted “If fighting for women’s health care and paid family leave and equal pay is playing the woman card, then deal me in!” After a period of silence in what seemed to be a break for applause, the Committee Chairman responded “that’s great, Mrs. Clinton, but I was asking what time you planned to arrive in Lexington.”

-YaHateTah C. It