Unassuming pumpkins fall victim to rampage of inebriated students

The defenseless pumpkins, who assumed they had escaped the ruthless grasps of basic girls everywhere after Starbucks’ seasonal menu rollout, are now trembling as they realize a worse villain has emerged: drunken college students. This weekend saw the first of what are sure to be many fatalities this season, as vegetable remains were mercilessly strewn across the Village lawn for students’ entertainment. Multiple witnesses have made claims of Tridents and sorority letters being brutally carved into innocent pumpkins. “At least the bakeries and coffee shops go about the process humanely; this behavior is just barbaric,” reported one witness who, for safety reasons, remains nameless. Public Safety claims measures will be taken to ensure another incident like Saturday’s pumpkin chucking will not occur. –Maddie Schaffer ‘18