Washington and Lee’s class of 2025 is ready to graduate this may — and ready to pay more money, as far as the gift committee is concerned.
“We’re really hoping everyone will forget about the $80,000 they just gave us and give more,” said Gift Committee President Lotz O. Moolah. “That’s not going on the record, is it?”
Moolah sent out a round-one funding request with a $6,000 goal. He said he wasn’t pleased with the results.
“Guys, you can’t send checks for negative amounts. This school doesn’t have money to just give away,” said Moolah. “And I don’t appreciate the flurry of checks with sexually graphic Tridey the Trident drawings on them. He’s a chaste figure, guys.”
Moolah said the end goal for fundraising was just over $240,000 — full tuition for one W&L student.
“We want to cover one incoming first year’s cost,” said Moolah. “That way they’ll have zero excuses to donate a ton of money when they’re a senior! It’s a fool-proof plan.”
Moolah said students can also donate to specific departments of W&L.
“We want to be transparent with your money,” said Moolah. “The default is W&L DSB (Department of Stacking Bands), but you could just give it to your major’s department if you’re lame.”
In another attempt to garner public support, Moolah announced the “Get Blackout Drunk and Forget You Gave Us Money” Senior Soiree for next month.
“That’s NOT what we’re calling it — we were hacked,” said Moolah. “Yes, there will be alcohol. Yes, there will be easy one-click donation portals. Yes, there will be sappy montages of your time at W&L. on constant loop. But in no way are we encouraging you to donate money while intoxicated.”
“It’s supposed to be a fun way for W&L to show its appreciation for you — like Mock Con or Fancy Dress.”
Tickets to Mock Con and Fancy Dress will run you a combined $300 for the full package.
When reminded of this, Moolah became hostile.
“God, when did you guys get so broke? God, I miss when this school was filled with rich, exploitable assholes,” said Moolah. “Again, that’s off the record.”
Moolah was last seen running off campus with an empty bucket labelled “Please donate to a Private Liberal Arts College in Need.”
The Radish 