You might’ve noticed that your favorite Coop menu item’s been… well… off the menu these last few weeks. Buffalo Bites have been out of stock, much to the dismay of visitors from Windfall and Leyburn alike.
Students and Faculty alike have speculated on the buffy bite absence. Were they simply discontinued? Is there a supply chain issue? Or is something more nefarious at play?
That’s when The Radish obtained (through completely legal means) the tracking number for Coop’s latest order of buffy bites. We were shocked to see that the order was intercepted just after passing Woods Creek — right in front of the Public Safety office.
Our reporter arrived on-scene to a blockade of Public safety vans, cars and tanks protecting what appeared to be a vat of buffalo bites being loaded into their HQ.
“Mmm… we had to seize… nom… this delicious — i mean, suspicious product for further inspection,” Public Safety Chief Justin Nugget said.
Nugget said the buffalo bites could contain trace amounts of “something” and needed to be extensively tested before being allowed through to Coop.
“You see… mmm, that’s good…” Nugget said while licking sauce off his fingers, “we’re a crack team of professionals…. mmm m mmm… that won’t stop until we’ve figured out what’s wrong with these buffy bites… and that may mean sacrificing many, many of them for the safety of this campus.”
During our interview, a Public Safety officer came out holding a plate to say, “Hey Justin! You want seconds?”
“Oh — uhh, he means second-round investigations,” said Nugget. “Which I should really get back to. You know how efficient we like our investigations to be.”
Nugget later said he had no idea when — or if — the investigation would end. But he promised his “troops” were resolved to be as thorough as possible.
“Just know that we’re coming hungry,” said Nugget. “Hungry for justice.”
The Radish 