Washington and Lee’s Department of Gratuitous Expansion (DGE) said Thursday that they’re occupying a North Randolph Street residence for a new financial office.
“It’s not a money pit, and I hate it when people say that. It implies a level of waste that W&L admin isn’t capable of,” said Dean Cory Masterson.
45-year-old Dana Williams and her two children called the building home for their whole lives. It’s been passed down the Williams family for three generations. Williams said she found W&L’s negotiation tactics unusual.
“They told me the money would come from some new meal swipe scam – I mean, initiative – and that they could pay handsomely,” said Williams. “But they said it would ensure that hundreds of more students could get an education – and I’m just blessed to be part of that.”
The facility will feature a fourteen-by-fourteen square foot tub to be filled with hundred-dollar bills.
“Okay dude, you’re just trying to paint us in a bad light,” said Masterson. “And before you ask, the new speedo in my office isn’t for jumping into the money. I’ve got a photoshoot coming up.”
The Radish confirmed that Masterson has no such photoshoot on his schedule.
After a brief pause to weep – emotional adjustment, as Masterson called it – he elaborated on what exactly the money pit would be used for.
“We’re very proud of our 1:1 student-to-dean ratio,” said Masterson. “But that’s a lot of people to give significantly-above-average salaries to. What’s more, that’s a lot to keep track of.”
Masterson then slid out a drawer full of hundred-dollar bills.
“So we’re rolling out a new concept called self-determined-pay,” said Masterson. “Basically, anytime a dean does something productive – like stonewall a club registration or dodge meetings with school journalists – we’d let them come by and take their fair share.”
But when our reporter pointed out the almost-depleted sack of money with the label “new dorm building fund,” Masterson got testy.
“Cramped spaces, mold in theme houses, stink marching through Woods Creek,” said Masterson. “These are what we call ‘low priority fixes.’ But deny the hardworking administrators a fair wage and watch this whole institution crumble.”
When Masterson was asked what he did at W&L, he promptly walked out.
The Radish 