Washington and Lee’s Mock Convention is fast-approaching: students are prepping their state parade floats and getting their predictions ready for the incredibly uncertain primary race.
This turn of events, routine to most, came as a complete surprise to first year Jack Johnson, who believed he’d already attended the event.
“Mock Con sucked,” said Johnson. “I was walking down North Randolph when I noticed a shoddy-looking sign saying ‘1st annual Mock Con’. I didn’t wanna be left out — it comes only once — so I went in.”
Johnson said he came prepared to discuss his theories on the impending primary, but met an entirely different reality inside.
“There were these guys posted up near the door,” said Johnson. “I pulled out my reasonably-priced ticket to get in. That’s when it all started.”
“One of the guys pointed at me and shouted ‘he’s here, he’s here!’ Then like 20 guys came into a room and started shouting at me. I expected a lively debate, but this, this was *sniff* different.”
Johnson, breaking down into tears, started to give his personal account.
“It was all just so embarrassing,” said Johnson. “That’s why I only agreed to speak to you guys anonymously.”
Johnson attempted to pass out his research on American Samoa’s political landscape.
“They took it, cut it into a million pieces in front of me and started insulting me for no reason,” said Johnson. “I didn’t realize the phrase “stupid head” could be used that many times in a political discussion.”
Johnson said it felt like every part of him was fair game during the nearly 2 hours he spent at Mock Con.
“All I said was I thought maybe Haley could slide into the Colorado nomination with Trump off the ballot,” said Johnson, “To which the so-called ‘Mock Con Chair’ said ‘you mean like how I slid into your Mom last night?’ I just thought it all unbecoming of a decades-old political event.”
Johnson also said he didn’t recognize any of the state delegations present.
“Well first of all, there were only like 12 delegations, if you can call them that,” said Johnson. ”The shirts bewildered me. Last I checked, Kegfest 2021 doesn’t have any voting power.”
Though one good thing came of the faux-mock convention: Johnson received his first-ever award.
“They said that even though I’m a knobby-kneed chump, I’ll still be useful to our beautiful American society,” said Johnson, a smile beaming through dried tears. “That’s why they gave me the “Biggest Tool” award. I’ll treasure it for the rest of my life.”
The Radish reached out to the “Mock” Convention for comment. I was in turn asked why my face looks “like a heptagon.”
– Chas Chappell ’25
The Radish 