This past August, W&L welcomed over 500 freshmen – the largest freshman class on record! With this, student housing has moved to a pretty important priority on the University’s Strategic Master Ultimate Grand Plan.
Where are we gonna house all these frosh again? was even seen scribbled on a whiteboard in the official meeting room, right below coop gray: vibes or nah?
Rest assured, because the solution to housing has literally been under our noses the whole time. It seems that a giant, gaping pit has appeared next to quad this year, and no, it isn’t just a step “towards” “new” “housing” (we were legally required to add those quote marks). It is the new housing.
That’s right: starting this year, a lucky batch of students will get to live in The Pit.
Now, I was skeptical at first, too, but my opinion changed after I spoke with some die-hard Pitters.
“Sometimes it’s good to just look around and focus on what we already have, and not what we don’t have,” one official source said of the Pit. “We have to start living in the present more.”
One (1) complementary blanket will be given to every resident. Tents and sleeping bags will be provided at a very reasonable additional cost.
New students expressed excitement about the Pit.
“I love it, I feel like I’m truly roughin’ it! ” said one freshman. Thirteen extension cords were spotted running out of her tent across the street to Gaines.
RAs expressed excitement with the prospect.
“We don’t even have to have any types of crisis drills,” one RA told us. “If there’s a sinkhole, we won’t be able to evacuate in time anyway.”
When questioned about the ethics of this mindset, he said, “Why should I care? Every Sunday evening feels like I’m slipping into a pit anyway.”
There is also talk of a mental health initiative with the Pit.
“If you’re feeling sad, just look up at the beautiful stars!” a mental health expert with no credentials said of the Pit. “There, all your problems are solved.”
To help Pit students out with waking up for class, the excavators will start digging every half hour, starting at 6:00am.
“This really is a groundbreaking initiative,” said an official source. “We’re predicting a 100% attendance rate for morning classes.” Out of respect for potential hangovers, excavators won’t start digging until 8:00 am on Saturdays and Sundays.
RAs are also experimenting with student-operated excavators. “Ever wanted to get back at your hallmate for leaving their stuff in the washer for 5 hours? Now you get to fling a dirt clod at their face.”
The Radish confirmed that the plans to use the pit as a site to build a C-school is just a rumor.
“Why on earth would we do that? We already have a C-school, dummy,” an official source told us.*
Yes, The Pit is happening. At parties, over the pulsating strobe lights and Waka Flocka, students will be hitting on each other with a slightly different refrain: “So, Gaines or Glees… or Pit?”
Plans are also under way to dig a separate, smaller pit for students who have been sexiled for the night.
The Health Center has declined to comment on the number of students with black lung due to breathing in the exposed coal at the Pit.
*This is just a joke, alums, please don’t ball me from Wall Street.
The Radish 