In a recent survey, students at W&L admit that they have been spending (on average) at least 6 hours a day in their housing (which for some is the library), 2 hours a day in Dhall, 3 hours a day in class, all day in front of a screen, and at least an hour reading Campus Well flyers in bathroom stalls.
When informed of the surprising influence they could exert over the student body, Campus Well designed a new initiative: get students to walk around more. Well, how did that go?
“I have to admit, in all my years here, I’ve never been outside for more than 15 minutes at a time. It was a life-changing experience” said John Smith, ’24.
“So I was taking a sh** and I read the new issue taped to the stall door, and I was so moved by the message that I got up and left without flushing or washing my hands,” recalled Joe Schmoe, ’27.
“Everyone always walks on the sidewalk, but I just started wandering around in the grass and no one has yelled at me so far,” replied Ashley Jones, ’26.
“Now I get what that whole speaking tradition thing is,” said Julie Matthews, ’25.
Based on that anecdotal evidence, it is undeniably clear that the new Campus Well initiative is a resounding success. But why? Are students today so deprived of social life from the pandemic that they have defaulted to isolation, or will they just believe anything they read in a bathroom stall?
Whatever the reason, all we know is, students are much happier when they walk around freely than when they only walk to where they are obligated to be.
But, of course, we here at the Radish were not about to stop there. We obtained special permission from Campus Well to create a fake initiative under their name and post flyers in every bathroom stall on campus.
We told students that eating a radish every day has many more health benefits than an apple a day. Simultaneously, we set up a lemonade stand style table outside Commons, with one side giving away apple cider and one side giving away straight radishes. Sure enough, the radish stand ran out way faster than the apple stand.
Shocked by the effectiveness of the Campus Well platform, we have come to the conclusion that Campus Well must be exerting a magical brainwashing effect on students when they enter a stall. Perhaps the entire campus is under a spell disguised as a self-help book, and they are too far gone to wake up.
Unless, of course, we were to create another new Campus Well Initiative to stop trusting everything they read on sketchy bathroom stall posters.
– Arun Ghosh, ’26
The Radish 