It’s springtime! You know what that means – afternoons spent floating the Maury, mimosas with the girls, shirtless guys on the Colonnade, and pretty flowers. But all is not well in the town of Lexington.
Allergies plague students. The tow trucks are out for vengeance. And the squirrels that we once considered cute, but harmless living decorations on our lovely campus have gained a sort of violent sentience that the world has never seen before.
I’ve been battling the squirrels for the past month, and have learned some tips and tricks for dealing with them that have allowed me to escape dangerous situations with only a few gashes. I’ve compiled them for you in hopes that you, too, will survive the squirrels.
1. Become their leader
Dress up as a larger-than-life squirrel (the more accurate to real life, the better). Your large, human size will convey a sense of immense strength, power, and acorn-finding prowess that other squirrels could only dream of possessing, and they will immediately identify you as a leader and allow you to peacefully pass under their trees. No, this isn’t advocating for adopting a fursona, it’s totally different.
2. Make a squirrel repellant playlist
Create a playlist of high-frequency squirrel repellant sounds, like a mix of loud machinery (think lawnmowers or the morning trash truck by Glees) and dog barks. The squirrels will run back into their homes and shelter there until quiet returns, granting you self passage for as long as the sounds play.
3. Adopt a dog with a cute name
Just like the groundhog from a few months ago learned, the dogs with the cutest names always have the most bloodlust. You’ll never see a toddler mauled by a dog named Killer, but you will see wanton death and destruction by 10-pound, pink-bow-wearing Princess. Princess will protect you from the squirrels.
4. Wear a strong scent
Squirrels have highly sensitive noses and are known to have strong preferences to certain smells over others. You want to be careful with this one, since you want to disgust them, but not enrage them to the point that they try to attack you. Twisted Peppermint by Bath & Body Works is a safe bet, as well as cloying amounts of Old Spice (not Axe though, they’ll think you’re a finance bro and attack you out of spite).
5. Walk with a slower (and preferably shorter) friend
Know someone that you’re confident you can outrun? Invite them to walk with you to your next classes. Odds are, the squirrels won’t want to take on the both of you, but just in case they do, you’ll be able to make a quick escape while they take on a smaller and more easily-caught target.
6. Make a tactical Nut Launcher™
Arm yourself with a nut launcher and shoot tasty treats, like acorns or peanuts, at the squirrels. There are three ways this can go: the squirrels are distracted by the flying projectiles and leave you alone, the squirrels believe you’re giving them a gift and befriend you, or you eliminate the squirrels by knocking them out. Either way, it’s a win-win-win situation.
7. Wear an inflatable bubble suit
The next time student activities hosts bubble soccer, snag one of the bubble suits for your own personal use. The next time a squirrel comes at you, they’ll bounce right off your inflatable armor (and you’ll be able to roll away quickly).
8. Stay home until the squirrel threat is neutralized
Hey, quarantining works (sometimes)! Get yourself several rolls of multi-ply toilet paper, some dry rations, and hunker down for a few weeks until the government can come clear up the squirrel problem for you. You totally won’t be waiting for years because people keep sneaking out to feed the squirrels.
9. Judge the squirrels for their life choices
I mean, come on. You’re going to gain sentience and immediately resort to violence? Go home and take a minute to think about your decisions. Take a philosophy class. Pick a hobby. Get a job. Contribute to society. Smh.
10. Just say no
The squirrels cannot legally attack you. If you say no, they will respect you and leave you alone.
Good luck out there!
– CM
The Radish 