On March 21st, 2023, Mock Con hosted former vice president Mike Pence and Fox News anchor Bret Baier at the University Chapel for their kickoff event. While the event itself was a raging success for Pence’s new standup comedy tour featuring Bret Baier’s legendary Trump impersonation, perhaps the biggest political bombshell in recent history came from the aftermath. Two weeks after Pence spoke at the chapel, classified documents were found at Windfall by the brothers of Omega Kappa.
“We finally got around to cleaning the basement, and then we saw folders labelled ‘top secret’ soaking in vodka. Or water. It’s kind of hard to tell,” a recent initiate told the Radish, who requested to remain anonymous after showing our investigators bruises and barely healed cuts on his body. Allegedly, Pence and Baier arrived on campus a few days ahead of schedule to pregame the event with Omega Kappa, Phi Delt, K Sig and Phi Psi. All of these organizations deny any wrongdoing or knowledge of recklessness on behalf of Pence or Baier, and promptly handed over the documents to the FBI.
“Look man, we were just having a good time talking about the glory days of the Reagan era and getting him into Sean Kingston,” claimed an upperclassman wearing a full-face mask. While our team was not allowed inside the OK house, they were kind (or drunk) enough to tell us what they saw in the documents:
- Designs of the border wall
- Accounts of funds to private contractors in the Middle East
- The Space Force’s Death Star construction plans
- Pence’s dick picks
- Reports from the CIA special activities division
- Assorted paperwork with dicks drawn on them
- Details on government surveillance (and Trump’s social credit score in China)
- More dick picks
Although they reported that they returned all sensitive material, a member of Omega Kappa stipulated that they held on to one of the documents.
“We read somewhere that he ratted out his chapter of Phi Gamma Delta at Hanover, so we kept a little insurance so he won’t try anything like that with us,” warned the student, “And honestly, all this drama with the classified documents is taking away unwanted attention from the many investigations into our hazing and sexual misconduct, so we do owe him one.” When pressed for comment on the latest in a series of bizarre national security disasters, Pence and Baier whipped out the spine they always knew they had, and declined to answer any question we asked them.
– Arun Ghosh