Scientists around the world breathed a sigh of relief this Friday night as James Blake, Class of 2025, single handedly prevented climate change by recycling his natty lite at Windfall.
“Our goal, of course, has been to keep planetary warming below 1.5 degrees celsius above pre-industrial levels,” said Nick Baker, chief scientist at the United Nations. “Through this young man’s brave actions, I can finally sleep easy, knowing we have completely and safely dodged that threshold.”
James Blake seemed surprised to learn that he was single handedly responsible for saving the world when confronted with countless reporters this afternoon.
“When I had finished chugging to stay fresh, I looked at the scene and was like – ‘what if I threw it in a bin instead of on the ground?’” Blake said in a statement. “Then I said ‘Koby!’ and fucking scored it into the recycling thing or whatever, first shot.”
James completed the heroic act when he took the recycling bag to the nearby Rockbridge recycling center this morning.
“It’s right by the jail and the highschool, which like, really says a lot about our society if you think about it,” Blake said. “I’m actually in a Pov class so like, I may mention that in our next seminar.”
The announcement, which came just in time for Earth Month (thanks Bidenflation), led to celebratory outbursts around the world. No longer will we have to make difficult choices or suffer the consequences of our actions, thanks to James’ singular, heroic choice.
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The Radish 