School Launches Child Support Scholarship

With abortion rights having been overturned by the Supreme Court, Washington and Lee has announced a new scholarship to help male students pay for much needed child support. 

Director of Financial Aid, Aaron Dowels, announced the initiative, named the “Old Kanye Memorial Fund” in a school wide meeting. 

“As you know, part of our core liberal arts education is a bitching Spring Break for all the bros. There’s no reason for the overturning of other rights to impact this,” Dowels said. 

Though the College Democrats only responded to the Radish with an extended sigh, campus wide reactions seem positive from those who the scholarship is most likely to benefit. 

“Frankly I’m glad the school is taking responsibility for my sex life. What else am I supposed to do? Wear a condom? Gay shit with my Kappa Beta bros? Next thing you know I’d have to ask for consent!” said Alexander White III, ’23. 

Other students shared similar views. 

“Yeah, I’m pro life, except after the child is born, regarding the mother, or basically anything except the little zygote. But this scholarship will ensure my opinion is logically consistent and I won’t have to pressure my girlfriend into an abortion in New York when a premarital child would threaten my future political career,” said Lyle Sparks, ’25. 

Dowels plans to announce next week that interest earned on the investments in the fund will go into investigating cooties and other girly shit out of fairness. 

“Washington and Lee has a long and proud tradition of helping young men avoid the consequences of their actions. We are excited to help further that honorable goal,” Dowels said. 

Any women on campus could not be reached for comment out of concern they would respond. 

FW